Category Archives: Turning Japanese

CRAPANESE


Some solid work here: a random year, a fictional sporting event, a Japanese city, and a made-up company manufacturing non-existent motor parts (which should always be lubricated with pretend motor oil). That’s quality cock-waffle.

However, they’ve missed a trick with those Japanese katakana characters. Katakana is the alphabet that the Japanese use to write English words, and those symbols there spell out that well-known English phrase, “chitatoteh enkehtota”. (It is possible that you’re sat next to a great big chitatoteh enkehtota and wryly chuckling at my ignorance right now, but I’m prepared to bet a ball and both of my elbows that that’s not the case).

What a wasted opportunity. Let’s have a return to the halcyon days of the early noughties, when Westerners were decorating themselves with ‘spiritual’ Far-Eastern tattoos that turned out to translate as “I Pleasure My Grandpa” or “Bum Me And Win Big Prizes”. Come on, faux-Japanese garment designers – a thousand quid to the first of you that manages to sneak “Farts And Plops Intrigue Me” onto a T-shirt.

Thanks to Jon Lawton

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WLTM

Now, at first glance, this may appear to be a textbook Meaningless T-Shirt, but look deeper – look beyond. Just as cruising gay men sometimes indicate their sexual preferences via the complex handkerchief code, the apparently benign surface of this T-shirt actually contains several hidden messages, written in a richly intricate secret code, designed to alert potential mates to the wearer’s personal likes, dislikes and fetishes.

Still can’t see it? Not hip to the signs, daddy-o? Allow me to translate:

Osaka
An extremely large, N/S Japanese city, renowned for its GSOH: all qualities that the wearer of this T-shirt is seeking in a potential mate.

96
Indicates a keenness for a “sulky 69”, which involves sex-partners lying heel-to-head, facing away from each other, and lapping angrily at thin air. That patterning adds yet another layer: the paisley elements indicate the wearer would prefer that his partner was “Scottish” (i.e. a redhead), while the dragons signify that he considers himself something of a “lord of the rings”.

Samurai
The wearer considers himself to possess (cover your ears, children) a great big chopper and a lovely shiny helmet.

So now you know! Next time you see somebody wearing a similar T-shirt, be sure to flash ’em a lascivious lip-lick, before aiming a randy wink squarely at their groin. Don’t worry – they fucking love it.

Thanks to Kristian Dando and Anders Nilsson