Woah there. This is real weapons-grade stuff, so if you could all just step behind the screen while I don my hermetically-sealed suit, grab my giant tweezers, and carefully – veeerrry carefully – place this under the microscope for closer analysis…
It’s a helluva lot to take in at once. Let’s try and break it down to its base elements.
“Ibiza. Ibiza. Now, that’s something to do with music, isn’t it? But is it ‘rave’ or ‘rock’? Tell you what, I’ll stick both on there. Best put ‘rock’ as the prominent one though, that seems the more likely option.” Ahhh… This close.
This translates as “first flight” – in Portuguese. Sod it: Portugal, Spain – all the same thing, innit? Donkeys and sunshine and moustachioed widows, all that lark. What are you, the Lonely Planet or summink?
The one undeniably accurate thing about the entire garment. Yes, Ibiza is a place, and yes, that is how you spell it.
Spanish for “United States”. Now, I’m no geography expert, and I don’t actually have a world atlas to hand, but nevertheless…
You’ve lost me.
So there we have it. Absolutely textbook. Hats are very much off.
Given their comfortingly generic name and their reassuring unoriginal, guitars-aflame logo, I think we can all agree that Eagle Flame 2000 are a band destined for big, big things. If you’re not deeply excited about rrrockin’ out to their upcoming album The Sound Of Fire (comin’ atcha “fifth March”) then you must be some kind of cloth-eared titty-brain.
Given the comparatively tiddly size of the font used for the “2000”, I suspect that Eagle Flame 2000 had the “2000” part of their name foisted upon them, possibly due to a legal cease-and-desist order from another band called Eagle Flame.
“It’s cool, guys,” their cigar-chompin’ manager Tony will have assured them. “Howsabout we rename you Eagle Flame 2010? It’s hot, it’s feathery – it’s now!”
“Nooo, dude!” flounces lead singer Bruce Horses. “Modern music sucks, you dig? We’re all about that ’70s rock’n’rollll shit! Flames! Eagles! Wizard-women in lace!”
“Okay okay,” sighs Tony, who’s heard this speech a million times. “Let’s compromise then, huh? Howsabout… Eagle Flames 2000? It’s hot, it’s feathery – it’s half sorta retro!”
“Whatever, dude,” shrugs Bruce. “But you’re totally snuffin’ out the Eagle Flame.”
But never mind that whole sordid enforced-name-change business, Bruce – what you should really be getting upset about is the fact that Tony – inept, cheapskate Tony – has chosen to promote your hard-rockin’, whisky-pissin’ debut album via the medium of an insipid T-shirt, hanging like a yawn in a sleepy corner of Marks & Spencer. You know how Nickelback made it? Neon sports-socks in Asda. That‘s the way you break a band these days.